A journey into Parenthood & dealing with loss

Posts tagged ‘therapist’

Week 21 – 23 Update

Ok – so I am being awful at keeping this blog updated! I keep reading other people’s blog posts and never get round to posting my own update. Like someone else said, when you’ve been through what we have, it feels awkward just posting week on week that things are going well. I do acknowledge that things aren’t always peachy, but so far this pregnancy is actually going very well and I am enjoying it and really starting to get excited. It’s been a busy few weeks since my last post. I have had a few moments of doubts, but generally it’s not major issues. My psychologist still says I’m doing really well, and I do overall feel that I am. But having been through loss, and read the stories of other’s losses, I know that I won’t truly be completely free and easy with any pregnancy until I have my baby in my arms. With that said, here is the update for the last couple of weeks. I will post updated photos in the gallery later this week.

Baby is the size of a grapefruit or mango depending on the app.

courtesy of TheBump.com

courtesy of TheBump.com

How far along are you? I am 23 weeks and 1 day already, about 118 days to go still.

What’s happening with the baby? We had a really awesome scan for our big anatomy scan just over 20 weeks. BSquirt’s spine is perfect – we even got a pic. Heather checked for cleft lip & palate so we got to see baby’s face – while she was looking at that baby put his/her hand up in front of their face. It was very cute. The brain, heart, bladder and kidneys are all looking good. Baby was measuring on track at between 2ow6d and 21w4d  – averaged out to exactly correct, so my due date remains the same for now. BSquirt is very active, especially when I lie back on the couch in the evenings – Dad and Aunty Cam have both felt good kicks. I got a kick on the inside of my hip bone the other day which was a really weird feeling.

What’s happening with my body? I am definitely showing now – No more mistaking this for too much food at Christmas anymore lol. I have ordered some maternity clothes online and expect them next week. I have started using the hairband trick to keep some of my pants on, since I don’t have that much of a flexible wardrobe yet. I did get two pairs of pyjama pants which are working quite well as maternity pants for now. Although the grey pair really looks a bit too casual for work. I have a lot of new skin tags and most of my moles are growing a lot – Dr P says this is all normal, but it is a bit weird. My finger nails are the longest and strongest they have ever been which is pretty cool! My chiropractor is seeing me every 3 weeks now rather than every 4 since I seem to be getting much more tense. I am also swimming a lot (well standing around in the pool), since it has been really hot and it is really comfortable to take the weight off my belly. My belly button and tattoo on my belly are getting rather stretched. The only reason I know my belly button is getting bigger is that I am now noticing the scar from my appendectomy.

Moments since the last post? It has been a busy few weeks. My In-Laws were staying with us for 10 days around the time of my scan. It was lovely to see them and we have a really nice visit. While they were here we visited B’s Aunt and Uncle who live on the South Coast and that was a really lovely day. While there we went to the beach. B & I went to put our feet in the sea and a very large wave was approaching. We both turned to run, and he was in front of me. I managed to fall over and when he turned around after being told to help me all he did was laugh! It was a very funny moment, but that seemed to be the start of me falling over. I fell over walking to the shops during the week again and grazed my knee. While B’s parents were here his father helped us get started on our nursery and his mom sewed the new curtains for the nursery. I’m very excited to have a lot of these things started and it is now feeling very real. This weekend B & I painted the ceiling in the nursery. Yesterday we bought our pram – we had to change the original colour we liked, but we got a 10% discount on their sale which made me very happy.


Miss anything? Not really – pretty much the things I have been missing already. Sleeping late, taking good drugs, being able to sleep comfortably and some foods. Also I miss my parents. It was lovely having B’s folks here, but it really made me miss my folks a bit. When I sent my Mom the pic above she mentioned that she feels like she’s missing out on stuff, and it’s kinda true. We try to keep them updated, but it’s just not the same.

Movement? Oh Yeah! The flutters have now changed to definite movements, and B is able to feel them most evenings. BSquirt is definitely most active between 5 and 6am and in the evenings when we sit down for dinner – around 7pm for an hour or so.

Any weird Food issues? I am in love with frozen grapes. I eat a bunch almost every nights. I do find that when my brain decides I want something, that it really hangs on to that for ages. It took me almost 3 weeks before I finally found a place that did potstickers – as it turned out it was our house when I bought them at the Chinese supermarket. I was so glad to finally get to eat them, I could let that craving settle down for a bit.

Gender? I’ve had another dream that it was a boy, so now my gut changes from day to day. Most people close to me are saying boy. B and Aunty Cam are both adamant that it’s a boy. But I guess we’ll wait and see.

Looking forward to? Finishing the nursery – we need to finish painting the room, then get the guys in to sand and finish the floors, then we can start to put all the decor stuff in. It really is beginning to feel real now! Other things we have coming up in the next few weeks are my next appointment on 11 Feb and our 4D scan on 28 Feb which my sister (Aunty Cam) is coming to. In between there we are going for a weekend camping trip to the mountains – it just happens to also be the weekend that the Craft Beer Fest is on, and is our 5 year anniversary of being together that weekend too. So there are lots of fun things to look forward to in the coming month or so.


7 week Update

Yesterday was seven weeks since my LMP. According to my apps, baby is the size of a blueberry.


For those that would like to see, this week’s photo is in the gallery above.

How far along are you? 7 weeks 1 day today.

What’s happening with the baby? Hands and feet are developing, as well as ears. A tail is still visible.

Total weight gain? I’ve dropped 1.1kg and am only 0.8kgs above my starting weight. I only weigh myself on Friday mornings.

Maternity clothes? Not yet, although I was going through my vacuum bags to get out my summer pjs, and decided to take out my fat pants too. That way I have them for a few months time. So I have one pair of black work pants and two pairs of jeans that will fit me for a good few months once the weight/change in shape starts.

Stretch marks? Nothing new

Sleep? I’m waking up a lot to pee, but am managing to go back to sleep pretty quickly. I’m usually in bed by about 9pm and fall asleep very quickly (so quickly that my hubby actually texted me something he found while reading in bed, as I was already fast asleep!). I’m awake between 5 and 5.30am pretty much every morning, but my therapist has said that’s fine since I’m definitely getting enough sleep. I do find around 3.30pm I’m getting very tired already though. I haven’t really managed any naps this week.

Best moment this week? I’ve been reading Chicken Soup for the Expectant Mother’s Soul – what an amazing book. My mother took it out of the library for me, and I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it. I’ve always thought they were full of Christian ideals, Bible verses and that sort of stuff. Turns out it’s actually just real life stories from people about their children. What I truly love is how inclusive the stories are – these are not just stories for new, naive moms. There are stories about IVF, adoption, RPL, stories from the man’s point of view and all sorts. I have really enjoyed reading the book and find myself laughing out loud, and crying at different moments. I really highly recommend this book to any mother who is expecting – be it pregnant, adopting, or any other way of becoming a Mom.

B sent me a text message during the week: “I so want to scream to the world that my angel pie is spawning”. That really made me smile.

Also my Mom and I went shopping at a fabric store yesterday and she bought a whole bunch of fabrics to start decorating the nursery. It’s mostly just fabrics to cover scatter cushions. She is also recovering the rocking chair cushions. This is the same rocking chair that she had when I was a baby, so it’s a very cherished item for my nursery.

Miss anything? This week I am missing wine, and fancy cheese. I love Brie usually – but dairy still isn’t my friend, and I know it’s one of the ones to avoid.


Movement? Not supposed to feel anything yet.

Food cravings? I can’t stop eating. Eating seems to help the queasiness. I had two bouts of real nausea this week – one in the shower which lasted a while and when I was brushing my teeth was finding it hard to keep everything down. The other was when I was getting really hungry and water wasn’t even helping. I am taking a whole lunch box of snacks to work with me on office days, and find myself eating all the time. Colleagues have started commenting on how there’s always paper rustling near my desk. I am keeping fruit sticks, nuts & seed bars and those sorts of things around, but I am pretty much open to eating anything someone offers me. I normally HATE digestive biscuits, but the other day someone offered me one and I happily accepted and ate it. AND I enjoyed it. I can finish off a bag of crisps in a matter of minutes – hubby now brings them to me in a bowl.

Anything make you queasy or sick? Still not able to handle milk, although I’m ok with yoghurt later in the day. The smell of chlorine turns my stomach (we have a pool so this is quite a common smell at our house). South Africa has the highest concentration of swimming pools per household in the world! We have a dedicated aisle in the grocery shops for pool stuff – I can’t walk down that aisle at the moment.

Gender? According to some of the old wives tales Miss Fanny P posted, it’s possibly a boy. Right breast is definitely bigger than the left.

Symptoms? Incessant trips to the loo. Very short temper. Tender breast, but not as bad as they were a few weeks ago. Queasiness, but it comes and goes. Slow digestive track resulting in gas at both ends A LOT.

Belly button in or out? No change.

Wedding/Engagement Rings on or off? No change.

Looking forward to? Wednesday is our first appointment with Dr P. I am looking forward to actually having a scan while I am pregnant and seeing something there for real. That’s really pretty much all I can focus on right now.

I’m hoping to have a good week, and also hoping that some of the symptoms of Progesterone Poisoning get stronger, as I know that will make me feel a bit better about everything.

Six week Update

Yesterday was six weeks since my LMP. According to my apps, baby is the size of a green pea.


I thought I would do those update questions just to give me something to follow my journey with. We will start taking pics of me today, and will make that a weekly thing. I will post all pics etc in the Gallery tab above.

How far along are you? I am 6 weeks and 1 day.


What’s happening with the baby? My apps tell me that baby’s lungs and heart are developing, but that it will still be a few weeks before you can hear the heart beat on a Doppler.

Total weight gain? Somehow I’ve managed to gain 2.2kgs since last week. I’m only weighing myself every Friday so I’m hoping that it’s just from a slow digestive tract. 

Maternity clothes? Not yet, although I am finding my belts have to be on a looser hole than before.

Stretch marks? Not any pregnancy related.

Sleep? I’m tired a lot! I’m usually in bed by about 9pm, but I’m awake by 5am almost every morning. I have been trying to have a rest in the afternoons, but work just hasn’t allowed that this week. I napped yesterday afternoon and this afternoon though.

Best moment this week? I have a few. 1) Getting the phone call from Dr P to say he’s very happy with my numbers and to stop stressing. 2) Telling my best friend this morning at the park and seeing how excited she was for us. She even gave the baby a talking to and told it to stay put this time! 3) Using pregnant to convince my hubby to buy me a body massager at the Homemakers Expo this afternoon – it is truly amazing. 4) Having a really good session with my therapist yesterday.

Miss anything? Not really at this point.

Movement? I really wish my digestive tract did, but nothing else.

Food cravings? I’ve been eating lots of fruit – pineapple, grapes, strawberries. Chocolate slabs don’t stand a chance with me, I finish the whole slab without really noticing. I’m drinking a lot of water – I never drink water!

Anything make you queasy or sick? I can’t have milk with my cereal in the morning at the moment. And being hungry makes me queasy. I also find that as soon as I climb in the car I feel queasy.

Gender? Too early, but we aren’t going to find out.

Symptoms? Tender breasts, frequent urination, slight queasiness, v.e.r.y. slow digestive tract.

Belly button in or out? No change – I’ve always had a very deep innie.

Wedding/Engagement Rings on or off? Both on, I will try keep my wedding ring on at all costs. I haven’t taken it off at all since the wedding.

Looking forward to? Nightly massages with our new massager and passing each Friday without incident, getting us closer to 12 weeks. Coming up with our list of milestones.

My best friend gave us a really cool idea for this pregnancy. Since there are so many milestones that the baby is reaching, and the pregnancy is reaching, make some milestones for us to complete every now and then. So for example at 12 weeks make a big purchase for baby’s room, at 24 weeks buy nappies, at 30 weeks buy the pram etc. B and I are going to work on our list and I will post it here during the week.

Our first one is when we see the heartbeat we will go for celebratory dinner. Hopefully that will be at my appointment next week Wednesday.


Day 2 of Knowing

This post is going to be rambling, and very stream of consciousness. I don’t know how else to get everything out, as we haven’t told anyone yet and B doesn’t seem ok with me talking about all the things I think about. I also don’t want to stress him out any more than he is already. Next week is a hectic one for him at work, so adding this to his plate, along with him looking after me for the last two weeks through family stuff, he’s already stressed more than usual.

So this morning I got my hCg numbers back – 7993!!  With my last pregnancy this number at about the same time was 742. I’m very surprised to see it so high. Dr P’s office said that that indicated 5-6 weeks gestation, but I should only be 5 weeks post LMP tomorrow! I’m just hoping that this is all a good sign.  I do find myself obsessing about all these numbers on Google. I know it’s not healthy, but I need to do something. Dr P is away and when I spoke to his office this morning I tried again to get another earlier appointment, but he’s away on a conference the week after next for 4 days, so in the next three weeks he’s only in the office on 5 days before I have an appointment, and they are already filled up with other urgent cases. I’ve been assured that he will look at my numbers on Monday, and if he thinks it’s necessary to see me sooner, they will make a plan to squeeze me in.

I’m incredibly tired. Between the stress of last week, and finding out this surprising news yesterday it’s been a few weeks since I had a good solid night sleep. Probably since my first visit with the new therapist. Speaking of her, she’s on leave this week! Really not the week I needed her not to be around. I’ve had all kinds of stressful things to deal with, not counting this news. I hate that it should be happy news, and yet both B and I are stressed about it more than happy.

What is it with BFPs that suddenly seems to make the symptoms more pronounced? I’m sure three days ago I was probably as tired, but at the time I didn’t think it was hormonal or anything. Maybe I am more tired cos I didn’t sleep well because of the worry, but maybe it’s hormonal. I noticed that I was cramping slightly yesterday – a few days ago I would have thought about what I had eaten to give me gas, now I’m wondering if it’s something wrong or right (and my brain is telling me to think about what I’ve eaten). I didn’t feel like finishing my breakfast this morning – a few days ago I would have just forced myself, but today I just stopped and blamed it on the hormones. It’s almost as if my brain has suddenly flipped a switch that accounts for everything as being related to pregnancy.

I have a chiro appointment tomorrow morning, so I’m looking forward that. Not that I’ve been doing my stretches. I do know that I will need some serious work tomorrow morning, but I’m looking forward to having a lot of the tension from the last two week released – although that will probably mean I’ll be crying again. I know I need it.

I’ve told B that we are going to tell our families this weekend. I need to be able to publish my blog and get feedback & support from the blogosphere.  Speaking of my friends in the blogosphere, there have been a number of posts on hope this week – Reccurently Lost and My MMC Story. I particularly wanted to answer the question “Is it healthy to be hopeful?”. I think it must be. Both these ladies were talking about how hard it is to think of yourself as part of the “Mommies” group when you have been through repeated losses. I still hope to be a Mommy. Much like MMC, I also use the words “when” and hear my brain correct me to “if”. Part of me is desperate for this to be the one that works, that sticks, that hangs on for dear life. Googling doesn’t help – because now I’m worried about molar pregnancies and multiples, although Betabase still puts me within the reported range for single pregnancies at 20 DPO. Although I’m also within the reported range for twins and triplets. Being obsessed with knowledge is really not a good thing when you are in my situation. I’m really hoping Dr P at least gives me a call on Monday. I have not had a script for a progesterone supplement yet, as he’s away, and I’m not pushing for it. I’ll see what my levels say tomorrow.

That’s me for today. I can imagine there will be a few more posts like this in the next few weeks and months. Seriously what is with me and working out all the timings the moment I get a BFP now? I’ve worked out how far along I will be on B’s birthday, Christmas, who’s birthdays are close to my due dates, it’s crazy! I guess I am still filled with hope!

Originally written on 26 Sep 2013

Eyes and Teeth follow up.

I had my follow up Visual Field test to the other eye tests I had this morning. There is nothing wrong with my brain – when it comes to my vision. My brain is clearly just playing tricks on me when I am driving in bright light. I’ve been told to do my best to ignore it. The ophthalmologist said that she doesn’t need to see me again unless something really bad goes wrong, so for now I’m all good when it comes to my eyes.  Her final words to me were go get pregnant! Well, once I’d arranged all the “deck chairs in my mind” right. I’d told her about the pregnancies as she was asking about any medical changes that could have affected my eyesight.

My teeth on the other hand are not so good – although not as bad as the dentist made out when I first saw him. I need to have two fillings replaced, both in back molars. I also had to go for a professional cleaning and have been told to floss more regularly (as in every second day, not twice a year or after eating corn on the cob LOL). This should improve the health of my gums, which will reduce any inflammation in my body. So I’m hoping to get those done this week. I have an appointment for one tomorrow, and need to make another appointment for the other one.

I have another appointment with the therapist on Friday morning. I am really enjoying my sessions with her. I like how she talks through things with me. We are going into unrelated things to the pregnancies, but I think it’s healthy for me to give her a full account of my life. What I really keep taking from our sessions is how perfect B is for me as my husband. His completely neutral communication style is what makes me feel so secure with him. He speaks the truth and always says what he means. I know for most women that is impossible to understand. But it’s the truth, and it’s incredibly freeing! I love him with all my heart and I would not have been able to get through all of this without him next to me.

So for right now we are still in the stages of getting everything in order inside and out. Our healthy eating is going ok, our exercising has slipped a bit, but we will get back on that wagon soon. B has been working very late since last week Wed, and worked the whole weekend, including right through dinner with friends of ours on Saturday night. I’m hoping the issues get sorted out and we can go back to sleeping a little earlier in the evenings, and therefor being able to wake up earlier to work out.

That’s my little update for now, nothing terribly interesting to report.

The week that was…

It’s been a very busy week. The first week of the month always has so much going on. Work was good and I accomplished quite a bit.

I had my first appointment with my new therapist. I like her. I’ve changed therapists as the one I went to previously I haven’t seen in almost 4 years and I just feel I’ve moved past the issues I dealt with, with her. And having not seen her since I don’t have continuity with her. The first session with the new therapist was good. A bit of crying, lots of talking and some visualisation exercises for the dark hours of the morning. Interestingly I haven’t woken up in the dark hours since the appointment. I’m still waking up earlier than I’d like, but it’s still after 6am which is pretty good.

She told me to not be so hard on myself, so we are being strict on the diet Monday to Friday, and allowing some leeway on weekends. B and I had an awesome date night on Friday, which was good. I even had a glass of wine with dinner. I think we will stick to no alcohol at home for now, but I think she’s right and I do need to let my hair down a bit and remember what we were like before we were TTC. Well I need to think a bit further back, just before we were TTC we were planning a wedding, and I’d rather not go back there! She also agrees that waiting this cycle out is the best thing. Hopefully she can help me get my head in the right space, and it will be good to have a bit of history with her before we do find out I’m pregnant again. It will be good to have someone to voice my concerns to.

This weekend (according to my app) would have been the best time for us to try, so we had to come up with a lot of distractions as we try and avoid doing the baby dance. We went to a plant fair yesterday and had a picnic for lunch. Why is it always that when you are specifically avoiding the baby dance you find each other so darn appealing? It’s been a weird weekend for that. We are looking forward to Tuesday when we are out of the high possibility days.

I have another appointment with the therapist and chiropractor this week. I also have an appointment with an eye specialist! I’m a bit nervous about that. I’ve had a niggly issue that I went to the optometrist about this past week, and she’s referred me to a specialist to have my retina checked. Hopefully it’s nothing major.

I’m hoping for a calmer week this week and time to focus on making delicious healthy options for meals this week. I really have to remember to pack my lunch on days I’m in the office!

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