A journey into Parenthood & dealing with loss

Posts tagged ‘miscarriage’

Another miscarriage…

I found out I was pregnant just before my son’s first birthday party. Since all the family were going to be around, we told them a few days after the party. Everyone was thrilled as they know I want a big family. Once again my parents were sad that they were going to be in another country for the pregnancy, but were super excited about another baby. They had really enjoyed their 3 week visit with Kyle for his first birthday.

I went for my first scan early (6w5d) as my doctor knows my history and wanted to check that everything was ok. We even saw a heart flutter, which made me feel really positive. The baby measured 6w4d according to the scan, which was exactly what I was expecting, since I knew the date of conception because of my app. He scheduled me for another scan at 10 weeks, as then we would be able to see more etc. But things were positive.

As with my previous pregnancies he put me on Ecotrin (a mild aspirin) and folic acid. This time he also put me on Utrogestan (a progesterone supplement). I had had my HcG and Progesterone levels tested, so assumed it had to do with that, although I didn’t get the actual figure from him.

In the 3 weeks between my first scan and second, I had major nausea, tender breasts and all the usual signs of a good pregnancy. This led me to feel comfortable in this pregnancy. It allowed me to tell people, and start looking at buying things for the new baby. I was comparing this pregnancy to Kyle’s and how different the foods were that made me feel better. Although the nausea had subsided a bit the week before I went for my follow up scan, I thought it was maybe due to the chiropractic session I had had on the Monday after a weekend away camping for my birthday.

On Friday I went through for my appointment and knew almost immediately that something was wrong when he started the ultrasound. He was struggling to find the baby. And there was absolutely no movement. I felt my throat clamp shut almost immediately. The more he scanned and moved the device around, the more I realised something was wrong. Baby only measured 8w1d, and there was clearly no heart beat. I know it’s his responsibility but he then proceeded to explain what he was looking at, and showing me the different tissue density and how clearly the baby’s heart had stopped beating. He then double checked with the colour blood flow monitor and the sonar. The more he checked the more I could feel the tears welling up in me, until I couldn’t contain them anymore. At that moment I really wished that I hadn’t gone to the appointment alone.

I was scheduled for a D&C for Monday. But before I could escape the public eye I had to pay for my appointment, in a waiting room full of pregnant woman and then get the meds for Monday from the hospital pharmacy. I managed to pull myself together enough to get through that. When I got to my car I just sobbed. I sat in my car and sobbed for a good half an hour. And then I realised I needed to pull myself together enough to drive the 40 minutes home. Alone.

The weekend was tough! Everyone was checking in, giving advice, sharing their stories. I spent hours lying awake thinking about what i would post on this blog, amongst other things. I feel bad that my first post back on this blog is a depressing one, but it is what it is.

Monday morning we had to be at the hospital at 0530. I inserted the tablets to soften my cervix before I left home and proceeded to get more and more cramps as the morning wore on. I was finally taken to theatre at 0950. It was good to have hubby there for support, and my best friend popped in to hang out with me too. So at least I wasn’t alone for all the waiting. Dr P saw me after the procedure and said it went well and they got a good sample of tissue to send for genetic testing. I’m really hoping that something from the testing will maybe give us some guidance as to why this keeps happening to us.

I’ll post again when we get the test results and maybe share a bit more about what my emotions are doing. I’m still struggling to figure out what I’m feeling. I do know that this one has been the worst. Having seen the heart flutter first, and then seeing that I’m carrying a dead baby inside me was just so heart breaking. I can’t believe that my body could let me down again ūüė¶


Spreading a little Sunshine


I’ve been nominated for a Sunshine Award by My Hope Jar. I really appreciate the nomination. I keep seeing the other blogs posting various awards, and I wasn’t sure if I would have the chance to get one. I’m really appreciative that I do have a chance to share the sunshine. Considering the dark place I was in a few months ago, I am amazed that I qualify for spreading a little joy. I am thrilled that I am able to give some hope to others through my posting. And I appreciate all the encouragement and community that I have received through these blogs.

How the Sunshine Award Works:

  • Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post
  • Link the blogger who nominated you
  • Answer 10 questions about yourself
  • Nominate 10 other bloggers to receive the award
  • Link to your nominees and let them know you nominated them

My Hope Jar’s Questions and my Answers:

1.  Why do you blog?

I actually have three blogs – two that are related to businesses I started and this one. First there was My Recipe Hampers – which was a business concept that I started and developed through the first six months of this year. I used the blog to try and spread the word about my business and what I did. I had some good things happen, but the concept just didn’t take off. I admit I have not been on the blog in a long time. Second was Pure Romance by Bianca J – this was a blog about my journey in becoming a Pure Romance consultant. I used this blog more to look at the process that I was going through as well as to use it as a bit of a marketing tool. This blog also has been neglected for a while.

I started this blog in June when I suspected I was pregnant with my third pregnancy in under a year. I had lost a pregnancy at 7 week late last year, and then had a possible chemical pregnancy in April. Each pregnancy got harder to deal with as I had always thought it would be the easiest thing to do. I lost that pregnancy in late July and so really began to use the blog to deal with my emotions. I had kept everything very much inside over the last few months and really only my husband – B, knew what was going on. I decided to be public about my loss and found that that was a good way to deal with it and for my family and friends to know what was going on. About 7 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant again – which was both scary and exciting at the same time. I am now using this blog to share my pregnancy – fears and all – with others. I have found this community to be the best thing I have ever experienced in helping me deal with all the very complicated feelings that come with being pregnant after 3 losses.

So that is why I blog!

2.  What is your favourite movie?

I love movies. Moulin Rouge is still the first one that comes to mind as my favourite. I also love Chocolat. But I will pretty much watch anything as long as it’s not a horror or cheesy slapstick.

3.  What is your favourite food?

My comfort food is Macaroni & Cheese – but not the packet kind. I make a delicious baked Mac & Cheese. I love most Italian food and B & I really enjoy Mexican cuisine too. I’m a self confessed foodie, so there is not much I haven’t tried. ¬†And we are always looking for new and interesting restaurants to explore, or recipes to try. With the pregnancy I am completely obsessed with fresh and dried fruit. I eat a dried fruit stick almost every day and can’t get enough of pineapple with is currently in season.

4.  What is your favourite thing or memory about your spouse?

I knew B was the one on our first date! We had met online and for our first date we went to a very nice restaurant. I have never in my life giggled as much as I did with him that night. The fondest memory of that night is that we somehow got onto the topic of Naked Lawn Curling (we don’t remember either – but we laugh about it often now still). That joy and laughter has stuck with us the whole 5 years that we have been together. We laugh and giggle a lot. And best of all!! He loves Christmas as much as I do!

5.  What do you do to relieve stress?

That’s a really interesting question – I really don’t know. I love to be near water – usually looking at the sea. I always find that very calming. I find as well that I need to be distracted in order to quiet my mind, and so I find watching fairly mindless tv quite relaxing too – discovery channel shows, documentaries, things I don’t need to concentrate on to follow. And chocolate always helps (especially now that I can’t have a big glass of red wine anymore). To relieve long term stress though there is nothing quite like a holiday in the South African bush to recharge your system. B & I have just got back from a week in the bush and the difference is wonderful.

6.  Who or what inspires you?

The women in this community of bloggers inspire me. I am always amazed at the strength and caring that is shown. I have a friend, Jaune, who inspires me too. She has been through years of infertility and pregnancy loss and yet is still so incredibly excited to share my journey with me, and that is inspiring for me. I am inspired by women who surrounded me when I was younger, who have given me insights into what good parenting looks like, and I hope one day that I will be able to inspire others in the way that they inspired me. Lastly I am inspired by my mother, who at the age of 62 has started a new job, in a country far from home literally and figuratively, and continues to amaze me with what she is capable of.

7.  What is your biggest fear?

My biggest fear used to be going blind. Now I fear that I will never be a mother. Pregnancy loss is a cruel mistress – even when things begin to go right, there is this fear that sits in the pit of your stomach for ever and ever.

8.  What is your biggest dream?

My biggest dream is to have the big happy family that I have always wanted. For B & I to build our dream home in the Natal Midlands and live a self sufficient life that teaches our kids to be kind to the environment, to grow up knowing where their food comes from, to grow up with a connection to the earth and to have the freedom to be kids in the same sense that we did growing up.

9.  What is your best piece of advice?

My favourite quote is from Reba McEntire:


I really feel that this quote is the best advice anyone can give. You need to be able to dream. You need to be able to stand up for yourself when it’s necessary, and also to be able to stand up for what you believe in. And lastly you need to be able to see the funny side of things.

Another quote I love is the song from Cars ¬†– Behind the Clouds. The words go: Behind the clouds, the sun is shining, even though you can’t quite make it out. You may not see, the silver lining, but there’s a big blue sky waiting right behind the clouds. That song got me through quite a few dark moments.

10.  What are you most proud of?

I’m most proud of the kids that I helped raise briefly when I was an au pair/nanny in the USA. Em & Will are 19 now and in college, I was their au pair when they were 5 and went back as their nanny when they were 10. It is lovely for me to see kids that have achieved so much and are growing into such wonderful people. Lee, Mimi & Sammy are the other kids I nannied and it is so good to watch them grow up and be the amazing kids they are too. I’m convinced that one day Sammy will be famous and I’ll be able to say that I changed her diapers LOL :). I may not have my own kids to raise quite yet, but I know that I have had an effect on other people’s kids and that they are better for having had me in their lives. I truly hope that a year from now I will be able to say that I am most proud of my own child!

My Nominees:

Each of my nominees have reason for why I have nominated them. I have learned something from their blog, I have found comfort in their words to me, I have shared something of their pain and anguish. I hope that through this award they will be able to write something that lifts their spirits just a little bit.

The Adventures of Fanny P

A Calm Persistence

Project Sweet Pea

A Hundred Affections



The Rain Came Down

Baby Maybe

Mama, Interrupted

Whispers of a Barefoot Medical Student – this isn’t a blog from within the infertility and pregnancy loss arena, but I have found her blog truly inspiring and feel that this award would be good for her too.

My Questions for you:

  1. How long have you been blogging, and why did you start?
  2. What advice would you give your 13 year old self?
  3. Where is the best place you have travelled to and why was it so good?
  4. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live and why?
  5. Are you a cat or dog person? Or something else or neither?
  6. What is the one book your think every person should read?
  7. What was your favourite subject at school – have you used it in your career/adult life?
  8. What is your favourite time of the year?
  9. What is your “Happy Song” and what is the memory that makes it that?
  10. What food do you love as an adult that you hated as a child? What changed?

I am so looking forward to reading your answers and to finding out a little more about each and every one of you.



8 week update

Friday was eight weeks since my LMP. According to my apps, baby is the size of a raspberry or Jelly Bean. 

jellybean_1  RASPBERRIES AR

According to my ultrasound this week baby is 16.8 mm (or was on Wednesday). Something I read suggested that baby is growing about a millimetre a day at the moment, so by today would be around 21 mm! 

How far along are you? I am 8 weeks and 2 days today. This is a big day for me. This time last pregnancy was when my miscarriage started. So tomorrow I am the furtherest along that I have been pregnant in the last year. 

What’s happening with the baby?¬†Arm and leg buds start to form, the neural tube is closing and tastebuds are beginning to form already!

Total weight gain? I weighed in the same as last week. 

Maternity clothes? Nothing new. I did go and look at Woolworths, which is one of my favourite clothing stores, but discovered that the biggest one in my city only has one rack of maternity clothes Рall pants! That was a bit disappointing. I will have to contiune looking around to find where to get affordable options. I liked some of the suggestions I got through my Bump app in this article. 

Stretch marks? Nothing new. I’m using Save my Skin from Pure Romance when I remember to try and keep my skin a little flexible. Both my sister and I are Pure Romance consultants. I have a blog about becoming a consultant here, but I’ve been very lax at updating it.¬†

Sleep? Not so great this week. I’ve been awake early almost every day. Between the need to pee and the very vivid dreams I haven’t been sleeping very well. I dreamed this week that I was in a competition to undress guys without using my hands – don’t ask – it was really weird!¬†

Best moment this week?¬†Obviously seeing and hearing the baby’s heart beat at our appointment with Dr P on Wednesday. Second best moment was when he said when we were walking out that there was nothing that was niggling at him and he really felt everything was exactly where it was supposed to be at this point. My cousin gave birth to her third child on Wednesday afternoon and B said he though that was a sign. Happy coincidence of welcoming a new family member and us seeing a heartbeat on the same day?

Miss anything? Smoked Salmon! I went to breakfast meeting on Friday morning and they had smoked salmon & scrambled eggs to put on croissants. I’ve never been a scrambled egg fan (especially in hotels and other institutions), but I absolutely love smoked salmon. Unfortunately I knew in my head not to eat it, but my stomach wasn’t interested either which was disappointing. I also miss sex. I feel bad for B that I’m not interested right now – I know part of it is concern for the pregnancy, and part of it is a true lack of libido. But I’m not feeling like a very good wife right now!

Movement? Nothing to report in this department. Although apparently the foetus is moving already. 

Food cravings? Nothing weird this week. I am drinking loads of Milo in the afternoons. 

Anything make you queasy or sick? Nothing in particular, although I’m even more anti-smoking now than ever.¬†

Gender? We will probably not find out. 

Symptoms?¬†Weirdly this week they all seem to have dropped in intensity. I have moments of tenderness in my boobs, especially with the weird change in temperatures we’ve had this week. I haven’t noticed much queasiness, and my skin is less icky than it was last week. My digestive tract is still on a major go slow. Otherwise just the frequent peeing and the weird dreams have remained about the same as the last few weeks.¬†

Belly button in or out? Not expecting much of a change here until a few months from now. 

Wedding/Engagement Rings on or off? All the same here too. 

Looking forward to?¬†We go on holiday on Friday for a week. I’m really looking forward to having some quiet time in the bush. Also my parent’s visas have finally been approved and the leave for Canada the week after next. I know that sounds weird to say I’m looking forward to that, but they have been in limbo for so long, that I think it’s going to improve everyone’s lives a little bit. It’ll be good for B and I to finally feel like the house is ours. I will definitely miss my folks, but we will stay in touch with them via Skype regularly.¬†

I’ve decided that this is a book I really want for this pregnancy. I have always loved Dr Seuss! Click the pic to be taken to the Amazon page where you can read an excerpt.¬†

Oh Baby!

First Antenatal Appointment Ever!

Today was my first doctor’s appointment with Dr P for this pregnancy. It was also my first antenatal appointment ever! With my previous pregnancies I only ever got to the doctor after the miscarriages had already happened. Today was a lot of firsts!

First time seeing an embryo in my uterus! Measuring 16.8 mm from head to rump. Good yolk sack visible with a clear foetal pole. There is good thickening around the placenta. The pregnancy has implanted quite high in the uterus. There is lots of fluid in all the right places. Dr P said that everything looks exactly how he’d like it to look at this stage.

First time seeing and hearing my baby’s heart beat! 170 pbm. Dr P said it was right where he wanted it to be.

First pictures of BSquirt. Here is the first pic, there is another in the gallery.

BSquirt First Photo

First appointment that B came with me to the doctor. I think he was as emotional as I was when we heard the heartbeat.

I must admit that the nerves had started to get to me yesterday already. Suddenly it crossed my mind, that as positive as I had been about this whole experience so far, I wasn’t out of the woods, and had no idea what today might actually hold. The worried thoughts started to go through my mind – What if there was no foetal pole? What if it was a blighted ovum? What if there was nothing there? What if I started spotting last night – would it all be over before the appointment again? What if there was something terribly wrong when he looked today?

I did not have a very good night’s sleep. It didn’t help that there were other issues in our family that were on my mind too. It boiled down to me being awake from 4am this morning with thoughts racing through my mind. At 6am B woke up and told me to just relax. Way easier said than done.

Thankfully my job is very varied, so I could find a fairly mindless task to help me get the time to pass. I wrapped Christmas presents all morning for one of my clients. I still have more to do, but it definitely helped the time pass. By the time I left my office to fetch B I was a bundle of nerves! I downed my bottle of water in order to ensure a full bladder and we headed to the hospital where Dr P is based. We were super early as usual. I do love that about B – he doesn’t mind that I always like to be on time, but preferably early for appointments. We sat and waited, and I waited for all the water to reach my bladder, which it did, about 10 minutes before we finally saw the doctor. Why do they always want pregnant women to have a full bladder for these things? It’s really hard concentrating on other stuff when you are trying so hard not to pee your pants!

We went through to the room and I changed into a gown. Dr P checked my eyes, my heart and lungs and my blood pressure. He was happy with all of that. Then he turned to the ultrasound. Up until this point B was sitting quietly in the corner. He then tried to find a place where he could also see the screen. This is South Africa – there are no ginormous flat screens on the wall for us – we all shared the ultrasound machine’s screen. Dr P invited B to stand right next to him so he could get a clear view. It was awesome. As soon as he started, I began to feel my heart race – I was so worried that something was going to be wrong. Dr P takes a moment to explain where all the parts of your body are, which was actually quite nice – showed my bladder which was full, my cervix, vagina and then – there it was! You could definitely see something was there. He then proceeded to go through all the things he was checking and letting us know what we were looking at. He then showed us the heart beat and flicked a switch which let us hear it! That was the point that I teared up, and I’m almost certain B did too!

What an amazing moment! I can’t describe all the emotions that were going through my mind!

Dr P is very cautious – it’s one of the things I like about him. He’s also very factual, which both B and I really like. We talked about the schedule for the next few months, in particular about the next appointment which is 12 Nov. This will be my detailed 12 week scan and blood work for chromosome tests. He discussed the options and what he recommends. As we were leaving, I think he could see that I was still a little apprehensive about everything and he said the best thing he could have: “At this point there is nothing that I am even a little bit worried about. Everything looks exactly as we’d like it to look at this point. We aren’t completely out of the woods yet, but there is nothing niggling at me. This is a good pregnancy.”

I feel like we can go out tonight for dinner and really celebrate this milestone.

I’m still going to be cautious and take things one step at a time, but I really am feeling 100 times better than I was yesterday this time!

I got an album as I was paying which says “Baby Scan Album”, it’s quite something to have two pics in it already. I really am feeling like this is real now.

Here’s hoping for an uneventful 4 weeks until my next appointment!

7 week Update

Yesterday was seven weeks since my LMP. According to my apps, baby is the size of a blueberry.


For those that would like to see, this week’s photo is in the gallery above.

How far along are you? 7 weeks 1 day today.

What’s happening with the baby? Hands and feet are developing, as well as ears. A tail is still visible.

Total weight gain?¬†I’ve dropped 1.1kg and am only 0.8kgs above my starting weight. I only weigh myself on Friday mornings.

Maternity clothes? Not yet, although I was going through my vacuum bags to get out my summer pjs, and decided to take out my fat pants too. That way I have them for a few months time. So I have one pair of black work pants and two pairs of jeans that will fit me for a good few months once the weight/change in shape starts.

Stretch marks? Nothing new

Sleep? I’m waking up a lot to pee, but am managing to go back to sleep pretty quickly. I’m usually in bed by about 9pm and fall asleep very quickly (so quickly that my hubby actually texted me something he found while reading in bed, as I was already fast asleep!). I’m awake between 5 and 5.30am pretty much every morning, but my therapist has said that’s fine since I’m definitely getting enough sleep. I do find around 3.30pm I’m getting very tired already though. I haven’t really managed any naps this week.

Best moment this week? I’ve been reading Chicken Soup for the Expectant Mother’s Soul – what an amazing book. My mother took it out of the library for me, and I wasn’t expecting to enjoy it. I’ve always thought they were full of Christian ideals, Bible verses and that sort of stuff. Turns out it’s actually just real life stories from people about their children. What I truly love is how inclusive the stories are – these are not just stories for new, naive moms. There are stories about IVF, adoption, RPL, stories from the man’s point of view and all sorts. I have really enjoyed reading the book and find myself laughing out loud, and crying at different moments. I really highly recommend this book to any mother who is expecting – be it pregnant, adopting, or any other way of becoming a Mom.

B sent me a text message during the week: “I so want to scream to the world that my angel pie is spawning”. That really made me smile.

Also my Mom and I went shopping at a fabric store yesterday and she bought a whole bunch of fabrics to start decorating the nursery. It’s mostly just fabrics to cover scatter cushions. She is also recovering the rocking chair cushions. This is the same rocking chair that she had when I was a baby, so it’s a very cherished item for my nursery.

Miss anything? This week I am missing wine, and fancy cheese. I love Brie usually – but dairy still isn’t my friend, and I know it’s one of the ones to avoid.


Movement? Not supposed to feel anything yet.

Food cravings? I can’t stop eating. Eating seems to help the queasiness. I had two bouts of real nausea this week – one in the shower which lasted a while and when I was brushing my teeth was finding it hard to keep everything down. The other was when I was getting really hungry and water wasn’t even helping. I am taking a whole lunch box of snacks to work with me on office days, and find myself eating all the time. Colleagues have started commenting on how there’s always paper rustling near my desk. I am keeping fruit sticks, nuts & seed bars and those sorts of things around, but I am pretty much open to eating anything someone offers me. I normally HATE digestive biscuits, but the other day someone offered me one and I happily accepted and ate it. AND I enjoyed it. I can finish off a bag of crisps in a matter of minutes – hubby now brings them to me in a bowl.

Anything make you queasy or sick? Still not able to handle milk, although I’m ok with yoghurt later in the day. The smell of chlorine turns my stomach (we have a pool so this is quite a common smell at our house). South Africa has the highest concentration of swimming pools per household in the world! We have a dedicated aisle in the grocery shops for pool stuff – I can’t walk down that aisle at the moment.

Gender?¬†According to some of the old wives tales Miss Fanny P posted, it’s possibly a boy. Right breast is definitely bigger than the left.

Symptoms? Incessant trips to the loo. Very short temper. Tender breast, but not as bad as they were a few weeks ago. Queasiness, but it comes and goes. Slow digestive track resulting in gas at both ends A LOT.

Belly button in or out? No change.

Wedding/Engagement Rings on or off? No change.

Looking forward to?¬†Wednesday is our first appointment with Dr P. I am looking forward to actually having a scan while I am pregnant and seeing something there for real. That’s really pretty much all I can focus on right now.

I’m hoping to have a good week, and also hoping that some of the symptoms of Progesterone Poisoning get stronger, as I know that will make me feel a bit better about everything.

Follow Up Bloods and more worry!

I got my follow up blood work results today. My hCg is up 34% after two days to 10763, my progesterone is down slightly (52.6), but still quite high for where I think I should be in this pregnancy. Dr P’s rooms are still saying that I’m 6 weeks gestation which is very confusing. That would mean I fell pregnant immediately following the miscarriage, and then had what looked like a normal period 28 days after the miscarriage. So who knows.

I’ve referred back to BetaBase, and I’m still within reported range for everything, although I am way off the averages.

I spend way too much time googling! Yesterday I was worried about a molar pregnancy, but with today’s numbers it doesn’t look too likely. Apparently high hCg can indicate that especially if it is increasing rapidly. I’ve been having mild cramping since Wednesday, but I can’t tell if it’s digestive cramps, nerves or pregnancy related. Now I’m worried that the lack of doubling and the lower progesterone are signs that things are going south again. I just want things to be normal, and uneventful. When is it going to be my turn?

I had a good session with my Chiro this morning at their new cushy offices. They are still trying to set things up properly, but the parking situation is much better. He again reinforced how important doing my stretches are! I really need to stick with those. He also mentioned that I’m very easy to align. I’ve always enjoyed having my neck and back “clicked” so having a professional do it is awesome.

I’m still smelling E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G and it’s driving me a little crazy. B climbed into the car last night when I fetched him from work and leaned over to kiss me and all I could smell was cigarette smoke. I’ve never smelled it on him before. Apparently his desk is near the door that leads to the outside smoking area, and when the wind blows he can sometimes get some of the smell. I’ve never noticed it before, but last night it was the first thing I noticed. I also drove past a fruit & veg shop this afternoon and I swear I could smell their bins. I’m pretty sure I was the only one who could smell it in my car with the windows closed!

That’s my updated. Tonight we tell both sets of parents. I told my sister last night, and it was good to have told at least someone.

Originally written on 27 Sep 13. 

What to do, what to do?

It’s been just over a month since my last, and third, miscarriage. I’m now trying to figure out what to do, what the next steps should be. We were expressly told to wait for once cycle to complete before trying again and so we did. I’m a few days into the new cycle. After the last miscarriage I decided that I could take a break from being healthy and compliant with pregnancy and pre-pregnancy diets and just let loose. I had a couple nights of drinking more wine than I should, I ate sushi and rare steaks, and various other things that I love and shouldn’t have while I’m pregnant/trying to conceive (TTC).

Last night was my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. It would have been when we did a big announcement of our pregnancy as I would have been 12 weeks and 5 days. Instead I had to deal with my BIL telling us to hurry up and practice more, and other comments about us having kids. It was a tough-ish evening, but I think I handled it gracefully and did ok. In my mind I had set today as the last day for this lack of restraint, and from tomorrow we would be back to a stricter, healthier diet for B (my hubby) and I. So here I sit with probably my last glass of wine for a while trying to figure out what to do.

Medical expenses in South Africa are very high. We are on Medical Aid but we have already been burned by them this year when they refused to pay for my emergency appendectomy as we opted for a laparascopic procedure since the doctor advised we do that, especially if we were TTC any time soon. So we had to fork out R15 000 for that. We have now just signed up for gap cover which is an insurance policy that would cover most shortfalls between the Medical Aid cover and what the hospital/doctors/specialists charge. However – Pregnancy or childbirth have a 12 month waiting period. I appear to get pregnant quite quickly, usually within 2 or 3 months of us trying. That could be a problem as we would have a lot of out of pocket expenses. We have some money set aside, so we it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but if we are going to pay this gap cover premium every month, it would be good if it actually covered what we needed it for. I’d also like it to cover the additional tests and things that I might be having since I am now officially a member of the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL) group. Not a group I ever really wanted to be in!

So here I am trying to figure out what to do. From tomorrow there will be no more alcohol brought into the house. B can order when we are out for dinner or when he is somewhere else (not very often), but there will be no drinking at home for either of us until my Big Fat Positive (BFP). I won’t be drinking alcohol at all from tomorrow (hence me enjoying my last glass of red wine right now). I’m probably going to cut out coffee altogether too, but I might take this week to wean off that. I only have one or two cups a day, but I’ll wean to decaf and then stop. There will be no more sugar from tomorrow – we have Xylitol for our cereal, and don’t really use it anywhere else. I’ll be cutting down on creamy sauces and our favourite aged cheeses. We will be upping our fresh vegetables and only eating lean meats, and cutting back on pastas & potatoes. Also reducing our wheat – especially the artisan breads we are very fond of. We will hopefully be starting our workouts again, otherwise I will be starting to walk daily around my neighbourhood three times a week at least. I need to write these things here so that I am accountable for my goals. I need to try my best to get my BMI down a bit lower.

I am going to continue with my chiropractor appointments. He has said that I have improved immensely since my first appointment. I thank the amazing blog community that I have come into contact with over the last 10 days. Reading the stories of other women who have struggled through similar things has really helped me. Reading about the paths that women have taken, and the options they have considered have helped me to figure out what I want. Sharing my story in the comments on their blogs has also helped me release some of my pent up feelings which has been really good for me.

As far as my Gynea (Dr P) is concerned I must just try again. Once I’m pregnant he will put me on progesterone. I am currently on folic acid supplement and baby aspirin. I will be taking these more religiously from tomorrow too! We do still want to have B tested, which is ¬†probably one of the only usual tests that we haven’t done yet. I did however realise that I don’t actually know what all the tests are that my doctor has run. All I know is that there is nothing in the tests to suggest a reason for my recurrent losses. I’ve had my progesterone levels checked and I am ovulating (but we know that since I do fall pregnant), I don’t have a thyroid problem, my sugar levels were slightly raised and that was treated over 6 months but have improved, I have no serious antibodies floating around, and I’m not carrying any viruses that could be causing the issues. I don’t know what other tests were run, I will find out when I next have an appointment.

I read a while ago that when you are TTC that you should choose one of the methods (timing, cervical mucous (CM), basal body temperature (BBT), ovulation prediction tests (OPT)) and stick with that. We decided on timing. It’s worked ok for us – I’ve fallen pregnant 3 times in the past 10 months using this method, so I think we will stick with this. The million dollar question is – do we try for a BFP this cycle? Or wait a couple more months until we’ve tested B and my body is in a better place physically? I guess it’s something we will have to decide on before next weekend (my app says I’m going to be most receptive next weekend).

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