A journey into Parenthood & dealing with loss

Posts tagged ‘chiropractor’

Everything is ok….

… I’m just really sucky at keeping my blog updated!

I am 32 weeks today and can’t believe that I only have 8 weeks-ish left until we meet the BSquirt.

I can’t remember when last I posted, and I’m on my phone so it’s complicated to check. I think it was before our 4D scan. That was truly awesome. My sister came with to the appointment and she mentioned a week later that it had made her broody. That from my sister who in her 30 years has always been adamant that she did not want children!

Two weekends ago we had our maternity photo shoot with a photographer that I really like. We got some really lovely shots and he is putting together a photo book for us too.

We have pretty much finished the nursery – we just need to put up the ceiling light and put the skirting boards in, but we’ve decided to pay someone for that.

My next appointment with Dr P is on 9 April, when we will have a detailed scan again. So we are looking forward to that. It was pretty cool to see that baby has hair on the last scan.

I will try and update the gallery soon with some pics, as hopefully I will have a calmer time at work from now on.

I usually work part time (about 25 hours a week) and help out a colleague who runs our big client’s concierge desk with extra tasks. Part of my job though is to cover her when she needs leave. Well 3 weeks ago her Dad suddenly took ill and she needed to take leave rather suddenly. I immediately jumped in to take over running the desk, and was expecting to be there for 4 days. 4 days turned into me working full time for 3 weeks! I was shattered! I’m not used to working full time right now at all, to be doing it 30 weeks pregnant has been a little insane. Thank heavens for my chiro or I would be in even more pain.

One benefit of this though is that our big client happens to be the company that B works for, so I have seen him during the day almost every day for the last 3 weeks. We had lunch at least twice a week together which was really nice too. I will miss that aspect.

So here’s to hopefully a quieter week, with a Chiro appointment and maybe even a spa appointment slotted in this week. And time to catch up on my blog posts as well as catching up on what everyone I follow has been up to.

Here is one of my fav shots from our maternity shoot:



Week 21 – 23 Update

Ok – so I am being awful at keeping this blog updated! I keep reading other people’s blog posts and never get round to posting my own update. Like someone else said, when you’ve been through what we have, it feels awkward just posting week on week that things are going well. I do acknowledge that things aren’t always peachy, but so far this pregnancy is actually going very well and I am enjoying it and really starting to get excited. It’s been a busy few weeks since my last post. I have had a few moments of doubts, but generally it’s not major issues. My psychologist still says I’m doing really well, and I do overall feel that I am. But having been through loss, and read the stories of other’s losses, I know that I won’t truly be completely free and easy with any pregnancy until I have my baby in my arms. With that said, here is the update for the last couple of weeks. I will post updated photos in the gallery later this week.

Baby is the size of a grapefruit or mango depending on the app.

courtesy of TheBump.com

courtesy of TheBump.com

How far along are you? I am 23 weeks and 1 day already, about 118 days to go still.

What’s happening with the baby? We had a really awesome scan for our big anatomy scan just over 20 weeks. BSquirt’s spine is perfect – we even got a pic. Heather checked for cleft lip & palate so we got to see baby’s face – while she was looking at that baby put his/her hand up in front of their face. It was very cute. The brain, heart, bladder and kidneys are all looking good. Baby was measuring on track at between 2ow6d and 21w4d  – averaged out to exactly correct, so my due date remains the same for now. BSquirt is very active, especially when I lie back on the couch in the evenings – Dad and Aunty Cam have both felt good kicks. I got a kick on the inside of my hip bone the other day which was a really weird feeling.

What’s happening with my body? I am definitely showing now – No more mistaking this for too much food at Christmas anymore lol. I have ordered some maternity clothes online and expect them next week. I have started using the hairband trick to keep some of my pants on, since I don’t have that much of a flexible wardrobe yet. I did get two pairs of pyjama pants which are working quite well as maternity pants for now. Although the grey pair really looks a bit too casual for work. I have a lot of new skin tags and most of my moles are growing a lot – Dr P says this is all normal, but it is a bit weird. My finger nails are the longest and strongest they have ever been which is pretty cool! My chiropractor is seeing me every 3 weeks now rather than every 4 since I seem to be getting much more tense. I am also swimming a lot (well standing around in the pool), since it has been really hot and it is really comfortable to take the weight off my belly. My belly button and tattoo on my belly are getting rather stretched. The only reason I know my belly button is getting bigger is that I am now noticing the scar from my appendectomy.

Moments since the last post? It has been a busy few weeks. My In-Laws were staying with us for 10 days around the time of my scan. It was lovely to see them and we have a really nice visit. While they were here we visited B’s Aunt and Uncle who live on the South Coast and that was a really lovely day. While there we went to the beach. B & I went to put our feet in the sea and a very large wave was approaching. We both turned to run, and he was in front of me. I managed to fall over and when he turned around after being told to help me all he did was laugh! It was a very funny moment, but that seemed to be the start of me falling over. I fell over walking to the shops during the week again and grazed my knee. While B’s parents were here his father helped us get started on our nursery and his mom sewed the new curtains for the nursery. I’m very excited to have a lot of these things started and it is now feeling very real. This weekend B & I painted the ceiling in the nursery. Yesterday we bought our pram – we had to change the original colour we liked, but we got a 10% discount on their sale which made me very happy.


Miss anything? Not really – pretty much the things I have been missing already. Sleeping late, taking good drugs, being able to sleep comfortably and some foods. Also I miss my parents. It was lovely having B’s folks here, but it really made me miss my folks a bit. When I sent my Mom the pic above she mentioned that she feels like she’s missing out on stuff, and it’s kinda true. We try to keep them updated, but it’s just not the same.

Movement? Oh Yeah! The flutters have now changed to definite movements, and B is able to feel them most evenings. BSquirt is definitely most active between 5 and 6am and in the evenings when we sit down for dinner – around 7pm for an hour or so.

Any weird Food issues? I am in love with frozen grapes. I eat a bunch almost every nights. I do find that when my brain decides I want something, that it really hangs on to that for ages. It took me almost 3 weeks before I finally found a place that did potstickers – as it turned out it was our house when I bought them at the Chinese supermarket. I was so glad to finally get to eat them, I could let that craving settle down for a bit.

Gender? I’ve had another dream that it was a boy, so now my gut changes from day to day. Most people close to me are saying boy. B and Aunty Cam are both adamant that it’s a boy. But I guess we’ll wait and see.

Looking forward to? Finishing the nursery – we need to finish painting the room, then get the guys in to sand and finish the floors, then we can start to put all the decor stuff in. It really is beginning to feel real now! Other things we have coming up in the next few weeks are my next appointment on 11 Feb and our 4D scan on 28 Feb which my sister (Aunty Cam) is coming to. In between there we are going for a weekend camping trip to the mountains – it just happens to also be the weekend that the Craft Beer Fest is on, and is our 5 year anniversary of being together that weekend too. So there are lots of fun things to look forward to in the coming month or so.

Week 16 based on our New Dates

We had our 16 week scan with Dr P and baby has consistently measured 6 days ahead of my LMP, so we will now work on the new dates.

Baby is the size of an avocado. Perhaps tonight calls for guacamole?


How far along are you? New dates I am 16w3d. Revised due date is 24 May 2014

What’s happening with the baby? Baby was in a ball with feet over head, so we didn’t get many good pics. Heather, the awesome sonographer, measured head circumference, waist circumference and femur length, and all of those were measuring about the same gestation. She said baby was “very good”. Baby’s eyes can now detect light, baby shows purposeful movement such as thumb sucking and is now “breathing” the amniotic fluid. Heather was happy with the fluid around baby and the state and location of my placenta. So everything is looking good.

What’s happening with my body? I am starting to show a bit. Clothes are getting tight. Hubby and close friends can see a bump, but not many others yet. My nipples are itchy and definitely getting darker and larger. Sleep is still elusive! I fall sound asleep fairly early in the evenings, but I am awake early and very fidgety. This bugs B!

Moments since the last post? It’s been an eventful week and a bit. Last week our country, and the world, lost Nelson Mandela. This has made for a very introspective time in SA. It was not a shock to me, nor was reading about the theories as to why it was announced when it was. Today is his memorial service in Johannesburg and reading about the service has been interesting. I believe that Madiba was an amazing man who brought about peaceful change in our country and was an incredibly significant man. It is amazing for me to have lived through his legacy in South Africa.

On Friday afternoon we discovered that our baby cat had been hit by a car sometime during the day. Tapioca was my baby and was the most affectionate cat I have ever had. He will be sorely missed in our household. Our domestic worker was so sad about it when I told her yesterday that she couldn’t work. He just had a way of going straight to anyone’s heart strings. This is my beautiful boy:

Tapioca 2 months old

Tapioca 2 months old

Tapioca Mommy's Boy

Tapioca Mommy’s Boy

We have had good moments this week though! We put up the last of our Christmas Decorations and I started wrapping presents for family and friends. I have also started to put together my Christmas box of goodies that I am sending my parents who are in Canada. I love Christmas and have really been enjoying all the Christmas music I want in our rental car, as it has a bluetooth radio and can play from my iPhone.

Miss anything? Like Miss Rain said – I miss being able to take good drugs for pain. I’ve had a horrible spasm in my lower back that the chiro can’t work on because of the pregnancy. And I know two decent pills would help it release, but I can’t take them. Instead I do my best to stretch it out. I also miss not being the designated driver at EVERY function lately. And there are lots at this time of the year!

Movement? Nothing for certain yet, Dr P says we could have a Christmas present and feel something for sure around then. Either way we should be feeling it soon. It’s been a tough couple of weeks since my nausea abated, and I haven’t really had any other concrete symptoms. It was a huge relief to see baby’s heartbeat this morning.

Any weird Food issues? I have a thing at the moment for take away chips – particularly from KFC and Steers. Both have these flavoured salts on them which I just love right now. And still loads of fruit. I ate a whole punnet of grapes for lunch today.

Gender? We aren’t going to find out, but the general consensus seems to be a boy. I haven’t got any of the obvious signs though – no linea nigera, or other body symptoms. We haven’t done any of the old wives methods yet either.

Looking forward to? Christmas – Our last one just the two of us. We aren’t seeing any family on the day except my sister possibly, for the first time since we’ve been dating! It’s going to be nice to just be the two of us and very relaxed. This weekend we are going to Joburg for B’s Mom’s 71st birthday celebrations. B and I splurged and booked a B&B rather than stay with friends again and I am really looking forward to that. This is where we are staying, in the black and gold Room 3. I’m not looking forward to the drive though.

And we are also looking forward to making it official on Facebook:

Facebook Announcement

Follow Up Bloods and more worry!

I got my follow up blood work results today. My hCg is up 34% after two days to 10763, my progesterone is down slightly (52.6), but still quite high for where I think I should be in this pregnancy. Dr P’s rooms are still saying that I’m 6 weeks gestation which is very confusing. That would mean I fell pregnant immediately following the miscarriage, and then had what looked like a normal period 28 days after the miscarriage. So who knows.

I’ve referred back to BetaBase, and I’m still within reported range for everything, although I am way off the averages.

I spend way too much time googling! Yesterday I was worried about a molar pregnancy, but with today’s numbers it doesn’t look too likely. Apparently high hCg can indicate that especially if it is increasing rapidly. I’ve been having mild cramping since Wednesday, but I can’t tell if it’s digestive cramps, nerves or pregnancy related. Now I’m worried that the lack of doubling and the lower progesterone are signs that things are going south again. I just want things to be normal, and uneventful. When is it going to be my turn?

I had a good session with my Chiro this morning at their new cushy offices. They are still trying to set things up properly, but the parking situation is much better. He again reinforced how important doing my stretches are! I really need to stick with those. He also mentioned that I’m very easy to align. I’ve always enjoyed having my neck and back “clicked” so having a professional do it is awesome.

I’m still smelling E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G and it’s driving me a little crazy. B climbed into the car last night when I fetched him from work and leaned over to kiss me and all I could smell was cigarette smoke. I’ve never smelled it on him before. Apparently his desk is near the door that leads to the outside smoking area, and when the wind blows he can sometimes get some of the smell. I’ve never noticed it before, but last night it was the first thing I noticed. I also drove past a fruit & veg shop this afternoon and I swear I could smell their bins. I’m pretty sure I was the only one who could smell it in my car with the windows closed!

That’s my updated. Tonight we tell both sets of parents. I told my sister last night, and it was good to have told at least someone.

Originally written on 27 Sep 13. 

Dealing with loss (or not)

In preparation for trying again I decided to go to a chiropractor. I’d read a few places online that they could be good and that getting your body aligned before pregnancy can help with a lot of the aches and pains. I’ve never been to a chiropractor before. I’d read up about them and had a fairly good idea of what they did, but hadn’t every gotten around to trying one myself. I have always loved getting massages though, and I have no problems with being touched. I’ve actually got almost no issues when it comes to being naked, touched, waxed etc. I’d done a fair amount of research leading up to the appointment and made sure I was prepared for what was to come and also dressed appropriately. I was complimented on both surprisingly. The tension in my back however was not something I was expecting. Clearly I have been dealing with my three losses by keeping it all in and holding that tension in my back muscles.

The chiro would find a spot and press slightly with his finger and I would be wincing. I have a high pain threshold and so I have clearly just dealt with this. About 6 years ago I damaged my coccyx while showing the little girl I nannied for how to do a sit bounce on a kids trampoline that was inside and only 1 foot off a concrete floor. It was very, very painful! I never had anything done as when I googled the injury most info said there was nothing really to do. So I left it and dealt with it as best I could. That hasn’t helped my back any either. My main reason for going to the chiro was to try and figure out if we could find a source for my recurrent miscarriages, but also because he works in a large practice with multiple specialties, maybe I could be referred to other complementary specialists down the line. After my first session he said he had no idea where to start. He had found so many issues in my back that he didn’t know which to focus on. I told him that I’m happy to work through all of them with him and hopefully we will at least get my body to place where it will be more welcoming to another squirt.

One of the results of the chiro appointment was that I slept better than I have in months on Friday night. Another one has been the fact that I feel like I’m on the verge of tears all the time since then. It was a difficult weekend as my in-laws were visiting and they don’t know about the pregnancies. They live far away and I didn’t want to get them excited and then have them far away to deal with the bad news. I had planned to tell them after our first scan, which would have been at 9 weeks, but I didn’t make it to that. They are visiting other family for a couple of days, so I might have some time to let the tears all out. Maybe after the chiro tomorrow?

Over the weekend I started reading a lot of other blogs on recurrent miscarriage and other infertility issues. Sharing those other women’s experiences has been very helpful for me and I am grateful that they have been brave enough to share their experiences with the world. I realise a lot of them do it anonymously and I understand their desire to do it like that. I want to share with the world and find the support that I need, but I also realise that I can’t control what others will say to me or how they will deal with it. So for now I’m holding off on going public. If someone finds my blog then I’m ok with that.

This is going to be a long post as I need to get lots of things out. I think it’s a cathartic way for me to deal with what I have gone through and am going through. That’s the hardest part about recurrent miscarriage, it’s not something you’ve gone through, it’s on going. Until you have a baby in your arms that you carried to term, it will always be something you are going through. That’s a tough thing for me to think about. I want answers and a way forward and a plan to follow to make it all better. But for now I can’t have any of those things.

Like many of the women who write these blogs I’m a reader and researcher, especially online. I have  googled countless variations of “is (this) normal” and almost every other thing. I’ve googled every medicine my Dr puts me on and all the possible side effects. With my last pregnancy I joined quite a few online forums for pregnant women and then had to share that it was over. I used those too to try and find more answers. As with many others, I have found reading these blogs with the varied experiences that everyone is going through immensely helpful. I have however decided that journalling (blogging) is not going to be enough. I sent emails to two therapists last night to see if I could find one who I gelled with. I need to talk to someone who isn’t married or related to me, who can help me deal with those irrational thoughts in the darkest hours of the night.

Why is it always that the darkest thoughts come to us in the darkest hours of the night? As I lay awake unable to sleep AGAIN, and listen to the irritating, calm breathing of B as he soundly sleeps. It’s only irritating because I desperately want to sleep, or I want to talk about what’s going through my head and I know that it will just ruin his day to be awake at 4am with me! I love my husband. He truly is the love of my life. He is a wonderful, caring man who almost always says the right things. But he needs his sleep! He is seriously grumpy when he’s tired or hasn’t slept well. He’s also an IT guy, which means he’s not always sure how to deal with me. He learns fast though and I appreciate that immensely.

I’ll go more into my deepest, darkest thought another time. If you’ve read this whole, rambling post – Thank You! It means a lot to know that there are people out there that care enough about my story to read all of this.

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