A journey into Parenthood & dealing with loss

Day 2 of Knowing

This post is going to be rambling, and very stream of consciousness. I don’t know how else to get everything out, as we haven’t told anyone yet and B doesn’t seem ok with me talking about all the things I think about. I also don’t want to stress him out any more than he is already. Next week is a hectic one for him at work, so adding this to his plate, along with him looking after me for the last two weeks through family stuff, he’s already stressed more than usual.

So this morning I got my hCg numbers back – 7993!!  With my last pregnancy this number at about the same time was 742. I’m very surprised to see it so high. Dr P’s office said that that indicated 5-6 weeks gestation, but I should only be 5 weeks post LMP tomorrow! I’m just hoping that this is all a good sign.  I do find myself obsessing about all these numbers on Google. I know it’s not healthy, but I need to do something. Dr P is away and when I spoke to his office this morning I tried again to get another earlier appointment, but he’s away on a conference the week after next for 4 days, so in the next three weeks he’s only in the office on 5 days before I have an appointment, and they are already filled up with other urgent cases. I’ve been assured that he will look at my numbers on Monday, and if he thinks it’s necessary to see me sooner, they will make a plan to squeeze me in.

I’m incredibly tired. Between the stress of last week, and finding out this surprising news yesterday it’s been a few weeks since I had a good solid night sleep. Probably since my first visit with the new therapist. Speaking of her, she’s on leave this week! Really not the week I needed her not to be around. I’ve had all kinds of stressful things to deal with, not counting this news. I hate that it should be happy news, and yet both B and I are stressed about it more than happy.

What is it with BFPs that suddenly seems to make the symptoms more pronounced? I’m sure three days ago I was probably as tired, but at the time I didn’t think it was hormonal or anything. Maybe I am more tired cos I didn’t sleep well because of the worry, but maybe it’s hormonal. I noticed that I was cramping slightly yesterday – a few days ago I would have thought about what I had eaten to give me gas, now I’m wondering if it’s something wrong or right (and my brain is telling me to think about what I’ve eaten). I didn’t feel like finishing my breakfast this morning – a few days ago I would have just forced myself, but today I just stopped and blamed it on the hormones. It’s almost as if my brain has suddenly flipped a switch that accounts for everything as being related to pregnancy.

I have a chiro appointment tomorrow morning, so I’m looking forward that. Not that I’ve been doing my stretches. I do know that I will need some serious work tomorrow morning, but I’m looking forward to having a lot of the tension from the last two week released – although that will probably mean I’ll be crying again. I know I need it.

I’ve told B that we are going to tell our families this weekend. I need to be able to publish my blog and get feedback & support from the blogosphere.  Speaking of my friends in the blogosphere, there have been a number of posts on hope this week – Reccurently Lost and My MMC Story. I particularly wanted to answer the question “Is it healthy to be hopeful?”. I think it must be. Both these ladies were talking about how hard it is to think of yourself as part of the “Mommies” group when you have been through repeated losses. I still hope to be a Mommy. Much like MMC, I also use the words “when” and hear my brain correct me to “if”. Part of me is desperate for this to be the one that works, that sticks, that hangs on for dear life. Googling doesn’t help – because now I’m worried about molar pregnancies and multiples, although Betabase still puts me within the reported range for single pregnancies at 20 DPO. Although I’m also within the reported range for twins and triplets. Being obsessed with knowledge is really not a good thing when you are in my situation. I’m really hoping Dr P at least gives me a call on Monday. I have not had a script for a progesterone supplement yet, as he’s away, and I’m not pushing for it. I’ll see what my levels say tomorrow.

That’s me for today. I can imagine there will be a few more posts like this in the next few weeks and months. Seriously what is with me and working out all the timings the moment I get a BFP now? I’ve worked out how far along I will be on B’s birthday, Christmas, who’s birthdays are close to my due dates, it’s crazy! I guess I am still filled with hope!

Originally written on 26 Sep 2013

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