A journey into Parenthood & dealing with loss

Archive for September, 2013

After the weekend

So we told both sets of parents this weekend and now I feel comfortable posting on my blog. I am no longer publicising my blog to Facebook or twitter, but I do want to share my journey with the people that I have come to share with in the blogosphere. I did on the other hand not want to post online and have my family find out by accident before we had told them. So now they know and you can too.

The weather was cold and miserable most of the weekend which proved to be perfect for me. I’ve been really tired. Friday afternoon I lay down and fell fast asleep for over an hour – that never happens to me. It’s 3.30pm here and I’m feeling ready for another nap, but I’m at work! I spent most of the weekend lounging on the couch reading my new pregnancy book – The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy – I think every woman should read this book. It’s got almost no medical help at all, but it is truly the most useful help I’ve ever heard. She covers all the things that would normally have been told to pregnant women by the women in their lives who have been through this, but since most of us don’t have that village around us anymore, there’s not as much of that wisdom sharing around. I have laughed until I cried at some of the stories and examples that she has given. I highly recommend it for the down to earth advice it gives.

I spent the whole weekend trying to figure out if I should have gone for more blood work this morning. I decided that I was being obsessive, and I will go tomorrow if I haven’t heard from Dr P. He is back today from leave, but I haven’t heard from him yet. I don’t even know if he will contact me if he thinks everything is ok. This bugs me. I feel like I need to talk to a doctor about everything I’ve been through and what’s starting now. Maybe I’ll give it until tomorrow and I’ve done the third round of blood tests. Am I becoming obsessive? Is this normal?

PS – sorry for the multiple posts on one day, I just wanted to publish the story so far in order.

Follow Up Bloods and more worry!

I got my follow up blood work results today. My hCg is up 34% after two days to 10763, my progesterone is down slightly (52.6), but still quite high for where I think I should be in this pregnancy. Dr P’s rooms are still saying that I’m 6 weeks gestation which is very confusing. That would mean I fell pregnant immediately following the miscarriage, and then had what looked like a normal period 28 days after the miscarriage. So who knows.

I’ve referred back to BetaBase, and I’m still within reported range for everything, although I am way off the averages.

I spend way too much time googling! Yesterday I was worried about a molar pregnancy, but with today’s numbers it doesn’t look too likely. Apparently high hCg can indicate that especially if it is increasing rapidly. I’ve been having mild cramping since Wednesday, but I can’t tell if it’s digestive cramps, nerves or pregnancy related. Now I’m worried that the lack of doubling and the lower progesterone are signs that things are going south again. I just want things to be normal, and uneventful. When is it going to be my turn?

I had a good session with my Chiro this morning at their new cushy offices. They are still trying to set things up properly, but the parking situation is much better. He again reinforced how important doing my stretches are! I really need to stick with those. He also mentioned that I’m very easy to align. I’ve always enjoyed having my neck and back “clicked” so having a professional do it is awesome.

I’m still smelling E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G and it’s driving me a little crazy. B climbed into the car last night when I fetched him from work and leaned over to kiss me and all I could smell was cigarette smoke. I’ve never smelled it on him before. Apparently his desk is near the door that leads to the outside smoking area, and when the wind blows he can sometimes get some of the smell. I’ve never noticed it before, but last night it was the first thing I noticed. I also drove past a fruit & veg shop this afternoon and I swear I could smell their bins. I’m pretty sure I was the only one who could smell it in my car with the windows closed!

That’s my updated. Tonight we tell both sets of parents. I told my sister last night, and it was good to have told at least someone.

Originally written on 27 Sep 13. 

Day 2 of Knowing

This post is going to be rambling, and very stream of consciousness. I don’t know how else to get everything out, as we haven’t told anyone yet and B doesn’t seem ok with me talking about all the things I think about. I also don’t want to stress him out any more than he is already. Next week is a hectic one for him at work, so adding this to his plate, along with him looking after me for the last two weeks through family stuff, he’s already stressed more than usual.

So this morning I got my hCg numbers back – 7993!!  With my last pregnancy this number at about the same time was 742. I’m very surprised to see it so high. Dr P’s office said that that indicated 5-6 weeks gestation, but I should only be 5 weeks post LMP tomorrow! I’m just hoping that this is all a good sign.  I do find myself obsessing about all these numbers on Google. I know it’s not healthy, but I need to do something. Dr P is away and when I spoke to his office this morning I tried again to get another earlier appointment, but he’s away on a conference the week after next for 4 days, so in the next three weeks he’s only in the office on 5 days before I have an appointment, and they are already filled up with other urgent cases. I’ve been assured that he will look at my numbers on Monday, and if he thinks it’s necessary to see me sooner, they will make a plan to squeeze me in.

I’m incredibly tired. Between the stress of last week, and finding out this surprising news yesterday it’s been a few weeks since I had a good solid night sleep. Probably since my first visit with the new therapist. Speaking of her, she’s on leave this week! Really not the week I needed her not to be around. I’ve had all kinds of stressful things to deal with, not counting this news. I hate that it should be happy news, and yet both B and I are stressed about it more than happy.

What is it with BFPs that suddenly seems to make the symptoms more pronounced? I’m sure three days ago I was probably as tired, but at the time I didn’t think it was hormonal or anything. Maybe I am more tired cos I didn’t sleep well because of the worry, but maybe it’s hormonal. I noticed that I was cramping slightly yesterday – a few days ago I would have thought about what I had eaten to give me gas, now I’m wondering if it’s something wrong or right (and my brain is telling me to think about what I’ve eaten). I didn’t feel like finishing my breakfast this morning – a few days ago I would have just forced myself, but today I just stopped and blamed it on the hormones. It’s almost as if my brain has suddenly flipped a switch that accounts for everything as being related to pregnancy.

I have a chiro appointment tomorrow morning, so I’m looking forward that. Not that I’ve been doing my stretches. I do know that I will need some serious work tomorrow morning, but I’m looking forward to having a lot of the tension from the last two week released – although that will probably mean I’ll be crying again. I know I need it.

I’ve told B that we are going to tell our families this weekend. I need to be able to publish my blog and get feedback & support from the blogosphere.  Speaking of my friends in the blogosphere, there have been a number of posts on hope this week – Reccurently Lost and My MMC Story. I particularly wanted to answer the question “Is it healthy to be hopeful?”. I think it must be. Both these ladies were talking about how hard it is to think of yourself as part of the “Mommies” group when you have been through repeated losses. I still hope to be a Mommy. Much like MMC, I also use the words “when” and hear my brain correct me to “if”. Part of me is desperate for this to be the one that works, that sticks, that hangs on for dear life. Googling doesn’t help – because now I’m worried about molar pregnancies and multiples, although Betabase still puts me within the reported range for single pregnancies at 20 DPO. Although I’m also within the reported range for twins and triplets. Being obsessed with knowledge is really not a good thing when you are in my situation. I’m really hoping Dr P at least gives me a call on Monday. I have not had a script for a progesterone supplement yet, as he’s away, and I’m not pushing for it. I’ll see what my levels say tomorrow.

That’s me for today. I can imagine there will be a few more posts like this in the next few weeks and months. Seriously what is with me and working out all the timings the moment I get a BFP now? I’ve worked out how far along I will be on B’s birthday, Christmas, who’s birthdays are close to my due dates, it’s crazy! I guess I am still filled with hope!

Originally written on 26 Sep 2013

So much for skipping this cycle!

Since the news this morning I have decided not to publicise my blog for now. So no sharing on Facebook & Twitter – this is just for the special people  that I have come to know in cyber space. For those of you that are still struggling with the journey I wish you every hope. I am truly sorry if this post causes anyone even a little sadness! I know I’m going to have a lot of conflicting emotions over the next few weeks and months, and I’m going to need to share with someone! I hope some of you will stick around.

AF was due last Friday! When she hadn’t shown up by Monday I thought it was just a glitch with how I was tracking. Yesterday I counted the days. 33 days since my last visit. This morning I peed on a stick (POAS).

#4 in less than a year

#4 in less than a year

There’s no question there!  I phoned Dr P’s rooms to make an appointment and can’t get one until 7w5d – 3 weeks from today. I went for blood work this morning – I just go directly to the lab, as it’s near impossible to get a short notice appointment with Dr P and I know which tests to ask for.  I’m still waiting – just got the call – for Dr P’s rooms to phone me back with my levels: Progesterone is at 57.3 and BETA wasn’t done – they are doing it now. All the lab confirmed with me was that I was positive for hCg. I will go again on Friday morning for another round of blood work. I’m hoping that everything goes smoothly from now until my appointment.

With my last pregnancy I didn’t wake B up when I tested (it was a weekend & I was up before 6am), and I waited for his alarm to go off before I told him. He was upset that I didn’t wake him up as soon as I knew. This morning I woke him up. I told him in his groggy, half asleep state and he just rolled over, wrapped his arm around my waist and told me he loved me. Later when we woke up a bit we talked.

He worded it beautifully – We are apprehensively excited!

I found myself thinking about being pregnant at Christmas, and doing an announcement and stuff. Why is it always so instant this hope?

My tummy was in knots the whole mornings – I’m not sure if it’s nerves or hormones. I managed to eat and find eating calms my tummy. I’ve also been drinking loads of water.

I feel bad that I haven’t been looking after myself this month in preparation for being pregnant, as I thought we had avoided the fertile week entirely. I had an incredibly stressful week last week and was consoled with multiple glasses of wine. Yesterday was National Braai Day and I had a drink or two while we sat around the braai. I’ve eaten lovely mature brie, drunk too many giant mugs of coffee and I’m sure done a whole lot of other things I shouldn’t when trying to conceive. At least my eyes and teeth are getting sorted out, I have the final dentist appointment tomorrow to fix the last filling. Guess it is back to focussed healthy eating and no more bad stuff! Just one teeny-tiny espresso in the mornings. B even bought me decaf Nespresso pods when we placed the last order – to him that’s sacrilege. The fact I drink instant coffee is bizarre to him!

I will update again when I have more info. Right now it’s just kind of a blur of emotions.

I don’t know when I will publish this post but it was originally written on 25 September 2013. 

Words to hope by.

Thanks to a friend on Facebook who posted it for someone else.

rainbow

 

I truly hope my rainbow baby is coming sooner rather than later.

Eyes and Teeth follow up.

I had my follow up Visual Field test to the other eye tests I had this morning. There is nothing wrong with my brain – when it comes to my vision. My brain is clearly just playing tricks on me when I am driving in bright light. I’ve been told to do my best to ignore it. The ophthalmologist said that she doesn’t need to see me again unless something really bad goes wrong, so for now I’m all good when it comes to my eyes.  Her final words to me were go get pregnant! Well, once I’d arranged all the “deck chairs in my mind” right. I’d told her about the pregnancies as she was asking about any medical changes that could have affected my eyesight.

My teeth on the other hand are not so good – although not as bad as the dentist made out when I first saw him. I need to have two fillings replaced, both in back molars. I also had to go for a professional cleaning and have been told to floss more regularly (as in every second day, not twice a year or after eating corn on the cob LOL). This should improve the health of my gums, which will reduce any inflammation in my body. So I’m hoping to get those done this week. I have an appointment for one tomorrow, and need to make another appointment for the other one.

I have another appointment with the therapist on Friday morning. I am really enjoying my sessions with her. I like how she talks through things with me. We are going into unrelated things to the pregnancies, but I think it’s healthy for me to give her a full account of my life. What I really keep taking from our sessions is how perfect B is for me as my husband. His completely neutral communication style is what makes me feel so secure with him. He speaks the truth and always says what he means. I know for most women that is impossible to understand. But it’s the truth, and it’s incredibly freeing! I love him with all my heart and I would not have been able to get through all of this without him next to me.

So for right now we are still in the stages of getting everything in order inside and out. Our healthy eating is going ok, our exercising has slipped a bit, but we will get back on that wagon soon. B has been working very late since last week Wed, and worked the whole weekend, including right through dinner with friends of ours on Saturday night. I’m hoping the issues get sorted out and we can go back to sleeping a little earlier in the evenings, and therefor being able to wake up earlier to work out.

That’s my little update for now, nothing terribly interesting to report.

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