A journey into Parenthood & dealing with loss

Trying not to worry

I had a bit of a moment this morning! 

I haven’t been sleeping well for a while now. I’m pretty much awake from about 4am most mornings, and when I do drift back to sleep it is full of very weird dreams! So I decided I wanted to do another home pregnancy test so I did it when I got up to pee at 4am. I just wanted to see a bolder second line than I did when I tested last week. In the bad light, and early morning fog of my brain, it looked fainter than last week. So I climbed back into bed and cried, which woke DH up. He snuggled me and told me he loved me no matter what and he drifted back to sleep. I lay there tossing and turning and my mind just wandered.

When I got up this morning in the light it was clear that the line was bolder than last week. So clearly I just let the “darkest hours before dawn” get to me! Somehow I’m able to stay strong and positive during the day, but in those wee hours I just struggle!

I really wish that I would start having morning sickness, I just want a bit more confirmation from my body! My mom said that with me, she didn’t have any morning sickness at all so for her the pregnancy wasn’t really real until her clothes didn’t fit right. I think I would struggle with that because of my two previous miscarriages. I somehow need to feel more pregnant than I did with those.

I must admit that with the first one I felt pregnant and excited, and then I just had a feeling that things weren’t right. A day later I started bleeding. Right now I still feel pregnant and excited and even though I’m not experiencing many symptoms, I’m still pretty sure that everything is ok. Well at least now that the sun is up, that’s how I feel!
According to my Sprout App I’m 5 weeks and 5 days today.

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